Exit Strategy: Chapter 19
(Re)Making Love: a serial memoir
Come in the middle? Here’re links to ➡️ Chapter One, Chapter 2, Chapter 3, Chapter 4, Chapter 5, Chapter 6, Chapter 7, Chapter 8, Chapter 9 , Chapter 10, Chapter 11, Chapter 12, Chapter 13, Chapter 14 , Chapter 15 , Chapter 16, Chapter 17, Chapter 18
Exit Strategy
After the emergency egress from the psychiatrist, I wondered, Will I ever write again, love again, have sex again, come to orgasm again, be loved again, be safe again? It is spring and I think about the Kentucky Derby and the elusive hope for the Triple Crown. I saved this story Joe Drape filed for The New York Times on War Emblem, the 2002 Derby winner:
War Emblem is in therapy.
He is isolated from the other studs at Shadai Stallion Station in the hope that he will feel safe and more confident in his sexuality. Mares surround him in an effort to revive a long-dormant libido.
I have spoken here too much about my husband’s dormant libido.
Writing equals betrayal.
In my search: Auden says, There is always another story, there is more than meets the eye.
I seek syllogisms:
all x and y
z is x
∴
War Emblem at nine years old—How many man years or dog years is that?—and five and a half years in stud, in contact with hundreds of mares, has managed to mate with only 70 of them, which is half of most stallions’ yearly output. He has not produced a live foal since 2005, and the last time it was confirmed that he ejaculated in the company of a mare was in 2006. He did it once.
“He was one of the quirkiest horses I’ve ever had,” said the trainer Bob Baffert, who won his third Derby with War Emblem and pulled into the Belmont Stakes with a chance to sweep the Triple Crown. The big, black son of Our Emblem, however, stumbled at the gate and finished eighth.
Two strikes and you’re out: I have two failed marriages.
“He was real temperamental,” Baffert said. “He did not like other horses or people that much. We used to joke that he may have had an unhappy childhood.”
D., still the loner. That’s the view from my vantage point: not able to stop loving, in seek of exit strategy.
Did you know that couples go into therapy to separate? D. refuses couples therapy.
Experts say,
[T]his could be a case of juvenile bachelor stallion behavior.
Dr. Sue McDonnell, a specialist in equine sexual behavior at the University of Pennsylvania’s New Bolton Center, explained that in the natural setting of a herd, a dominant horse mates with the mares, while the other males stay in the background.
“They become this little troupe of bachelors waiting for their own harem, but they’re submissive to the top dog,” McDonnell said. “They are immature and intimidated.
“By separating him from other stallions, he has a chance to become more confident.”
Syllogisms follow:
Her mother called her “Mar.”
Mary’s mother is dead.
No one calls Mary “Mar.”
D. equals War Emblem.
Mary equals Mare.
Mary seeks emblem.
Mary stumbles at the gate.
Grateful acknowledgment is made to the following for permission to reprint previously published material in chapter 19: W.H. Auden: Excerpt from W.H. Auden, "Twelve Songs", copyright 1937 and renewed 1965 by W.H. Auden, from Collected Poems of W.H. Auden by W.H. Auden. Used by permission of Random House, Inc., and the Wylie Agency for the estate of W.H. Auden.
Love,
Coming next, Chapter 20 “I’m Cooked” Table of Contents
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This, and the chapter 18 https://marytabor.substack.com/p/something-old-for-something-new-chapter I've just read in the early hours of my day, and I'm moved by the essence of them. I want to fight for you, to shout at those men, to tell them to fuck off and celebrate the beauty of woman that is you.
Lovely writing! I'm still waiting for the connections between the different elements to come together in my mind. The beautiful images by Andy Duback add a lot to the beautiful, distant tone of this.
"This little troupe of bachelors waiting for their own harem, but they’re submissive to the top dog:" I think we may have seen this sometimes in politics? But I can't put my finger on where.